Andrew Klavan: Should Waterboarding Jihadis Be An Olympic Sport?

In which our compassionate host considers the very somber and serious questions surrounding the non-lethal, enhanced interrogation techniques used against murderous jihadi bastards. 


I’m Andrew Klavan and this is the Revolting Truth.

Today, we take a hard-hitting and unflinching look at the Senate Intelligence Committee’s report on the CIA’s harsh interrogation of Jihadi prisoners.

But before we begin, let’s all of us pause for a moment of silence in which to reflect on what these Jihadis endured at the hands of the United States Government.

[Goes into an UTTERLY SILENT jazz dance]

Thank you for that moment of silence.

The Senate Intelligence Report details the harsh interrogation techniques used by American agents on helpless Jihadi prisoners whose only crime was to attempt to enslave the entire earth while slaughtering anyone who got in their way.  The details of the report were called “horrific,” by USA Today while the Washington Post deemed them “horrific” and the Huffington Post called them “horrific...”  because if they hadn’t told us the details were “horrific,” we might have read them ourselves and said, [shrugs.]

The report was a bipartisan effort by the committee’s Democrats to get at the truth about CIA interrogation techniques by personally interviewing no witnesses.  Their report revealed that CIA agents waterboarded some jihadis, fed them rectally and forced them to stand for long periods of time for no earthly reason other than to convince them to tell where they planned to mass murder innocent people next.

The report claims that these techniques did nothing to stop terrorist slaughter — a claim that is only disputed by everyone who was there and all the non-Democrats who read the pertinent documents.  Six CIA Directors and Deputy Directors say that the interrogation techniques saved thousands upon thousands of lives, providing information that led to the arrest or killing of top terrorists, including Osama bin Laden.

Still, is that any reason to pour water on the faces of psychopathic murderers?  I think most Senate Democrats would say no.  And then watch you die, and pretend it wasn’t their fault.

Now, on a personal note, I have to admit that I have been caught in an unguarded moment making silly jokes about how waterboarding jihadis should be made an Olympic sport...  scheduled somewhere between water polo and synchronized swimming... with male CIA agents wearing black silk shirts bedecked with sequins and female agents in leotards and tutus.  I deeply regret that these thoughtless comments accidentally became public when I spoke them into a microphone in front of an audience and later posted them on my Facebook page.  I’m fully aware that this is no laughing matter: sequins and tutus on CIA Agents would be completely undignified, and I sincerely apologize for my remarks.

But the real question is this:  are harsh interrogation techniques — sometimes called torture by those who want us to give a rat’s — fitting behavior for a nation founded on Christian principles?  After all, Christianity is a religion of love.  Nations that have grown out of Christian culture generally come in time to dedicate themselves to individual freedom, ethical behavior and the peaceful resolution of conflicts wherever possible.

Which actually, come to think of it, seems like a perfectly good reason to protect those nations from these Jihadi savages by any means necessary.  So... thanks for the report Senate Democrats.  Now get lost.

This is Andrew Klavan with the Revolting Truth.