Free at Last! Men Are Finally Wearing Full Makeup

Thank God Almighty, we are free at last.

Given all the problems in the world -- terrorism, violent crime, and poverty, to name a few -- a group of men on Instagram believe they are making a difference in a much needed way: they're wearing women's makeup.

Social media's "Beauty Boys" are fighting the cisgender oppression keeping interested males from literally putting on their face. For all the guys across the country who yearn to remove their macho masks and instead apply glittery sapphire eyeshadow and some metallic ruby lipstick, brave souls leading the movement are here to save the day. According to Them writer Michael Waters:

“Many beauty boys have amassed millions of followers and partnerships with major makeup brands. Early last year, for instance, Maybelline announced Manny Gutierrez as its first male beauty ambassador. Instagrammers Gabriel Zamora and Patrick Starrr have debuted lipstick lines with MAC Cosmetics, and in October 2016, James Charles became the first CoverBoy.”

Mankind -- make that "peoplekind" -- has finally evolved into a genderless mob.

One hero battling heteronormativity on Instagram is University of Washington senior Kevin Ninh, who routinely uploads how-to cosmetic videos for his more than 130,000 followers. As Waters points out, "His looks have included an orange-and-red Elf on the Shelf, a golden swan, and rainbow eyebrows."

Waters insists that there's no reason to think a man wearing creamy rose blush and black pearl volumizing mascara is gay -- one has nothing to do with the other. In fact, the mere assumption of a connection between the two is solely due to sinister forces raging to destroy homosexuals:

“Many queer people do not dress outside of gender norms, and many people who do subvert the gender binary do not self-identify as queer. But there is no denying that these tropes have been deployed to specifically target queer people.”

Waters laments that, in the past, for men, "simply owning blush could become a liability." Thank goodness, he says, that  the era when men "searched themselves for vestiges of effeminacy as though for lice" is past. As Them informs us, many of the makeup-sporting men walking around in 2018 are just totally straight guys -- your average dock worker, coal miner, or lumberjack -- who love their baked raspberry rouge.

Though the writer celebrates the wonderful "progress" of men donning makeup, he hopes the movement goes much, much further, for the sake of mank-- er, peoplekind:

"Anyone who has seen the famous portrait of King Louis XIV of France posing in high heels, a curly wig, and tight stockings knows that our ideas of masculinity and femininity are ever-changing. But maybe the rise of beauty boys represents something more than another change in gender norms. Maybe they aren’t creating a new set of parameters for masculinity and femininity but rather rejecting them altogether. Maybe masculinity and femininity are finally losing their gender."

Maybe men have finally lost their mind.

Waters must surely be under 40, because despite his assertion that American men wearing makeup is something new, many of us know better: