Andrew Klavan: 50 Shades of Barack Obama

If Barack Obama doesn't love America, then why is he beating the crap out of her? That's the question our host and voracious reader, Andrew Klavan, explores in this review of the steamy new book 50 SHADES OF BARACK OBAMA.


I’m Andrew Klavan and this is the Revolting Truth.

Does Barack Obama love America?


Oh wait, sorry, that’s supposed to be a serious question. You see, after years of bad government and high-level corruption, people are beginning to wonder whether this president actually has affection for our country.

In an effort to get at the Revolting Truth, we have exclusively uncovered a document that tells the complete story of Obama’s relationship with the U.S.  It’s called “50 Shades of Barack Obama.”  Here’s a summary of the contents:

When she first met 50 Shades of Barack Obama, America was just a shy, homely greatest country on earth who had done nothing with her life but free most of the globe from tyranny while becoming the most powerful engine of wealth and innovation the world had ever known.  So of course she was drawn instantly to the charismatic Obama, a handsome and politically brilliant mystery man who had parlayed identity politics into a successful career of doing absolutely nothing.

“I love you, America,” said 50 Shades of Barack Obama, “and so I’m going to fundamentally transform you into something else.”

“Oh jeezy-peezy,” said America, biting her lip seductively.  “But if you love me, why would you want to fundamentally transform me?”

50 Shades of Barack Obama gazed wistfully into the middle distance. “I had a very sad childhood raised by Communists and America haters,” he said.  “Now just sign this contract where I get to be president and dominate you completely, and then I’ll show you my Red Room.”

“Golly Moses!” sighed America, “why is it called the Red Room?”

“Because the things I do to you in there are going to leave some Marx,” said Obama, who had a lame sense of humor.

In the Red Room, 50 Shades of Barack Obama brought out some terrifying equipment America had never seen before.  “First,” he said, “I’m going to increase the national debt by 8-trillion dollars.”

“Holy smokes, that really hurts,” America cried out. “But wait, in 2008, you said it was unpatriotic of George W. Bush to raise the debt only 4-trillion.  That means your own words prove you don’t really love me.”

“If I didn’t love you,” said Barack Obama, panting heavily. “Would I be beating the crap out of you like this?”

“Oh, jinkies, good point,” said America and signed the same contract for another four years.

“Next,” said 50 Shades of Barack Obama, “I’m going to surrender George W. Bush’s victory in Iraq and let savage terrorists take over territory we used to control while allowing Iran, the world’s worst state sponsor of terrorism, to acquire nuclear capabilities.”

“Goshagorry, my quivering flesh is in agony,” said America. “But if you love me, 50 Shades of Barack, why would you empower the Islamist maniacs who’ve sworn to destroy me?”

“Because it turns me on to see you completely submissive,” said 50 Shades of Barack Obama.  “And that’s why I’m going to engineer unAmerican government takeovers of health care and the internet while corrupting the IRS and the Justice Department for my own leftist political purposes.”

“That’s enough!” America cried out.  “I don’t think a real patriot would dominate and hurt the country he loves. The next time I fall for a president it’s not going to be a man who controls and hurts me.  In fact, it may not be a man at all.  I may run off with that woman Hillary standing over there...  in the black leather body suit...  holding that whip.  Oh jeeze!”

I’m Andrew Klavan with the Revolting Truth.