Off of a two-week break, Jon Stewart returned Monday to cover the big stories he’d missed. The leftist host dedicated one segment to blasting the Hobby Lobby ruling in his usual disingenuous, snarky manner, mocking the idea of corporations having religious rights, ripping Catholics for being anti-birth control, and saying the sexist Supreme Court had given America the final score: “Hobby Lobby 5, Whores 4.”

Stewart: Welcome back. Another big story from just after we went away. We all remember how pipe cleaner paradise Hobby Lobby was not keen on the ObamaCare provision requiring full contraception coverage in employee health plans. Why do they care? That guy. Loves crafts. Hates premarital sex. The case went all the way to the Supreme Court and we finally got our answer. 

After playing a clip of Brian Williams and Terry Moran announcing the Supreme Court’s 5-4 ruling in favor of Hobby Lobby, Stewart chimed in on what he portrayed as the sexist and irrational decision:

Stewart: Yes, the ruling came down in the case of Hobby Lobby, v. dirty, dirty contraception whores. Final score Hobby Lobby 5, whores 4. Sorry, whores. Aside from codifying the somewhat odd notion that corporations can have deeply felt religious beliefs, one thing struck me about the decision. Hobby Lobby didn't want its employees insurance to cover certain contraceptive methods such as “Plan B” because they said that method caused abortions. So the problem with that is it's not... What's the word I'm looking for? True.

After Stewart accused the court of “objecting to abortions that never actually happen” (citing the Food and Drug Administration and the American College of Obstetricians), he read an excerpt from Justice Alito’s opinion, then turned to correspondent Jessica Williams for her comments:

Stewart: Because as Justice Alito wrote, “it is not for the court to say the plaintiff's religious beliefs are mistaken or unreasonable.” For more we go to Jessica Williams at the Supreme Court. Jessica, thanks for joining us. You know, I’ve read this case. This seems crazy to me. 

Williams: Oh, you know what, relax, Jon. It's a much more narrow ruling than it seems. You know Hobby Lobby was only objecting to four types of birth control, so this will hardly affect anyone.

Stewart: Wow. 

Williams: You know, unless there's some religion out there that's opposed to all contraception.

Stewart: Oh, like, I don’t know, Catholicism. 

Williams: Oh, right. I knew I forgot one. 

Stewart: Yeah. 

Transcript via Newsbusters; video MRC TV.