Andrew Klavan: What Gender Are You?

In which our always sensitive host takes a look at the exciting world of gender diversity, where the unusual is normal, even though that can't be right and doesn't make a lick of sense.


I’m Andrew Klavan and this is the Revolting Truth.

Many of you may remember a time when women were tender and nurturing and modest and men were strong and protective and courtly.  Actually, you might be remembering the movie Meet Me In St. Louis... but I’m sure reality also used to be great.

Today, though, all across America, gender norms are coming under question, laws are being passed to allow people to choose their gender identities, and Time Magazine, always on the cutting edge of irrelevance, has declared transgenderism the new civil rights frontier.

What’s it all about?  Let’s get at the revolting truth. 

Gender theorists today believe that the different behaviors and capabilities of men and women are not a reflection of their natural propensities and desires but were imposed on them by the gender stereotypes of society which were created at the conference of the Gender Stereotype Society, held in 1817 at a secluded chateau on the shores of Lake Geneva.  It was there that it was determined by secret ballot that from now on, men would be able to invent things and lie convincingly about their sexual conquests while women would talk a lot about clothes and then make dinner. 

These oppressive and confining stereotypes were imposed on the population of the entire globe through repeated exposure to televised football and the movie Cinderella as well as Archie comics dropped from planes on primitive villages where, up to that point, people had been living lives of complete gender equality.

Once we remove these imposed stereotypes, gender theorists believe there will be no inherent differences at all between men and women so that, for instance, someone who felt he was a woman inside a man’s body wouldn’t actually be able to tell the difference and then he wouldn’t have to have his penis cut off and maybe these nightmares I’ve been having would finally stop.

According to U.C. Berkeley’s Gender Equity Resource Center, there are actually a wide range of gender identities. There’s “cisgender,” a person who conforms to society’s expectations of his sex; “gender diverse,” which could include a boy who breaks free of gender norms in order to enjoy musical comedy and get punched in the face out in back of the gym; and there’s “transgender,” a person who changes from, say, male to female in hopes of sneaking into the girl’s bathroom or winning every race at women’s track meets.

To insure respect for these otherly-oriented individuals — or “oddballs” — the Center provides gender neutral pronouns which can be used to refer to a person without giving away the fact that he’s just some guy in a dress.  For instance, instead of he or she, you can use “ze” and instead of him or her you can use “here”...  as in the sentence, “Ze is here...”  although actually it should be “ze is ze,” unless ze is actually here...  but that’s neither here nor zare.

Though some different gender identities are unusual, gender theorists consider them all normal, a word which the dictionary defines as “usual.”  So though to call something unusual normal would be unusual it’s not unusual among gender theorists who are abnormal.

So I hope that’s clear. Or zere.

[Sings plaintively:]  Meet me in St. Louis, Louie, meet me at the fair... 

I’m Andrew Klavan with the Revolting Truth.

Don’t tell me the lights are shining anyplace but there....