Andrew Klavan: Europe is For Real

In which our whimsical host, Andrew Klavan, takes a look at the faith-based story of a young man who dies and goes to the promised land, only to find that it's a giant lie propped up by the American taxpayer and military.

TRANSCRIPT:

I’m Andrew Klavan and this is the Revolting Truth.

Today, in a special religious edition of the Revolting Truth, we’d like to take a look at the new faith-based bestseller, “Europe Is For Real.” 

“Europe is for Real” tells the inspiring story of the adorable 5-year-old Iowa boy Derpy Lipschitz.  One fateful day, in April of 2005, little Derpy complained to his mother of stomach pains and was rushed to the hospital where doctors discovered he had accidentally swallowed a copy of the New York Times while trying to bite the head off his pet canary.

Derpy was taken into surgery but the emergency worsened when the doctors tried to remove the Times’ op-ed page from the child’s colon and couldn’t determine which was which.  In the confusion, a column by Paul Krugman traveled through the boy’s bloodstream to his head causing instantaneous brain death.

It was then that a miracle happened.

As 5-year-old Derpy later told his parents, he felt his soul leave his body.  It traveled down the hall to a broom closet where he saw Mommy praying to Jesus, although she pronounced it Hay-soos.  Then, in a spiral of light, Derpy felt himself lifted up to a wondrous place beyond his wildest imagination.  It was a place where there was never any war, health care was free, and energy was green.  Yes, Derpy was in Europe.

Well, the surgery was a success.  The doctors were able to remove the New York Times from Derpy’s brain and colon in a revolutionary procedure called pulling the head out of the ass.  When Derpy woke up in the hospital room, he saw his parents standing over him smiling, and he said, “Daddy, I’ve been to Europe!”

And Derpy’s Daddy said to him, “Derpy, Europe is not for real.  Europe is an expensive socialist fantasy which was paid for by American capitalism for 65 years and is now going broke anyway.  They financed their so-called free health care with money they would have had to spend on defense if our military didn’t keep them safe.  Oh, and by the way, the pharmaceutical companies can give them their meds at cheap rates because we pay inflated prices that pick up the slack and fund research and development.

As for European energy being green, ten years ago Germany trumpeted a transition to renewable resources that was supposed to create jobs, provide cheap electricity and save the planet.  It failed on every front and all across the European Union, green energy initiatives are being quietly abandoned.

It’s true there’s no war in Europe because they’re protected from outside attack by America.  But as Socialism drains the money and the life out of their societies, and their populations quickly dwindle, the European nations are being conquered from within by Islamist monsters who rape and vandalize almost at will.  No one’s allowed to criticize these animals because that would violate a pious leftist nonsense called multiculturalism...  and since leftism has destroyed every vestige of patriotism on the continent, no one has the conviction or the guts to stand up to this alien evil anyway.

So you see, Derpy, Europe is just the myth of a false religion called leftism.  But don’t worry:  Heaven is for real.  Although Mommy can’t go there because of what she did with Haysoos.

I’m Andrew Klavan with the Revolting Truth.

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