Andrew Klavan: Putin's Secret Message to Obama

In which our multilingual host translates a secret videogram from Russian President Vladimir Putin to American President Barack Obama on the current state of Russian/American relations.


I’m Andrew Klavan and this is the Revolting Truth.

Ever since President Obama took office, he’s been making friendly overtures to the Russians, trying to “press the reset button” in relations between our two countries.  In 2012, the president was even caught on an open mike promising he’d have more “flexibility” to cave in to Russian demands after he was re-elected.

Russian President Vladimir Putin has responded warmly to Obama’s gestures by warmly cheating on our arms treaties, warmly supporting our enemies in Syria, warmly annexing Crimea, and warmly abetting the destruction of a Malaysian airliner while warmly threatening to invade Ukraine.

Is there some subtle miscommunication between Russia’s leader and our own?  In search of an answer, we at the Revolting Truth have obtained a classified videogram sent from Putin to Obama that may shed some light on the current state of US/Russian relations.  The video is in the original Russian but I’ll do my best to translate.

Dear President Obama...  Thank you for offer of great flexibility...  I am believing in you...   because women are more flexible than men and I think of you...  as weak woman who I am slapping in face...  like Chechnyan prostitute.

Unfortunately, since my scrumptious devouring of Crimea...  you are making squeaky mouse noises...  threatening sanctions from... imagined storybook place called international community... which coming from former community organizer girl like yourself makes ex-KGB man like me laugh ha-ha-ha.



I am very much enjoying when you offer me so-called “off-ramp” of my Crimea invasion as if re-building mighty Soviet borders was just big silly boo-boo I am making... I will certainly very soon say “oops” and withdraw my armies...  no...  Just kidding.

I am also liking very much when you tell me I cannot invade Ukraine because this is 21st century...  I am glad you are owning calendar so you will not be late for playing golf game... in girly shorts.

Now I must fly to Havana to lease fighter jets to Castros and establish military bases there...  In words of great American Jew songwriter Irving Berlin, I will See You in C.U.B.A.

Goodbye funny little president girl.  I thank you for joking at Mitt Romney when he called Russia U.S. enemy.  You are good friend to me and great lollipop...  No...  no...  sucker...  and you can kiss my mighty Russian donkey.

That must be some sort of old slavic expression or something.

Well... I hope that clears things up.

I’m Andrew Klavan with the Revolting Truth.