Andrew Klavan: Defend Cancer Against the Jews!

In which our host sides with the under-privileged victim of the Israeli occupation of science -- Cancer!


I’m  Andrew Klavan and this is the Revolting Truth.

Today a disturbing story from across the sea.  International news sources are reporting that Israeli scientists have been plotting to kill cancer.  That’s right, sinister Jewish researchers who are Jewish have unleashed several new and deadly weapons in their insidious war against cancer.  They’ve developed a revolutionary new protein that could cause cancer cells to destroy themselves in what can only be described as a massacre of the innocent... cancer cells.  Israelis have also developed the first blood test for breast cancer and new techniques using extreme cold that could viciously murder lung and breast cancer cells with minimally invasive techniques. Needless to say, since these techniques are being developed by Israeli Jews, we must defend cancer!

After all, there were cancers living in the Middle East before the Israelis got there.  By what right did the imperialist forces of the west decree that Jews could simply move into cancer’s territory and start killing off these peaceful indigenous disease cells left and right?  Are we in the international community going to stand by and allow cancers that are just going about their humble business in someone’s breast or lung to be suddenly uprooted and destroyed by the kind of high tech weaponry only Israel would deploy.  Every television network should be leading their newscasts with graphic pictures of the pitiful dead and dying cancer cells that have come under relentless attack by Israeli researchers.  The New York Times, a former newspaper, should keep a running count of how many cancer cells have been killed in this invasion.  After all, only about 40-thousand Israelis die of cancer every year; whereas hundreds and hundreds of millions of cancer cells are killed by Israeli doctors.  Do those numbers seem fair to you?

Fortunately, I am able to report that our moral guardians on the political left are taking action as they always do to try to stop the Jews.  Or as the left calls them:  the JEEEWS!!!

For instance, brave students at UCLA and NYU are calling on their universities to pull their investments from Israel.  After all, who can make expert life and death judgements on international hot zone situations better than courageous 20-somethings ensconced in the safety and luxury of university life in Westwood and Greenwich Village?  Sure, some might say that they’re spoiled, privileged under-educated children conned into moral absurdity by one-sided propaganda… [thinks this over]  But no, no, no, they just want to make sure that Israel is deprived of the funds and support it’s only going to use to wage its unconscionable war on innocent cancer.  

Butt you know, the problem isn’t just Israel.  In some sense, it’s fair to say that Israel is the bloody tip of western civilization’s cancer-slaughtering spear.  After all, over 40 percent of the Nobel Prize winners in physiology and medicine have had Jewish heritage.  So I think we know who’s behind the international conspiracy to kill off innocent disease.  Therefore let me call on all left wingers everywhere to defend cancer against the Jews of Israel as you’ve defended and continue to defend Israel’s other enemies.  If we can stop Israel from attacking cancer then maybe cancer will have a chance to spread worldwide.   

I’m Andrew Klavan with the Revolting Truth.