Andrew Klavan: Is ISIS Islamic?

In which our intrepid host, Andrew Klavan, employs a crack team of investigators to determine if President Obama is correct when he declares that the terror group ISIS is not, in fact, Islamic.

TRANSCRIPT:

IS ISIS ISLAMIC?

I’m Andrew Klavan and this is the Revolting Truth.

Obama:  ISIL is not Islamic.

Today, the Revolting Truth takes on a hard-hitting investigation, fact checking the President of the United States himself in order to ask the question:  is ISIL Islamic?

To bring you up to date in case you’re a low information voter or just kind of a doofus, President Barack Obama recently delivered an address to the nation in which he admitted that just about everything George W. Bush did in the Middle East was right, everything Obama himself said about Bush was wrong, and now we had to go back to war again because, dad gum it, he’d screwed the whole business up and only just realized his entire worldview was mistaken.

He didn’t actually come out and say that.  It was more like subtext.  

Anyway bottom line, Obama has declared that he is leading us from behind back to war with a bombing campaign against ISIL in Iraq and Syria.  This will be very different from our last war in Iraq — the one George W. Bush won — because there will be no American boots on the ground and therefore no danger of American deaths or victory.

Another difference between this war in Iraq and the one we actually won will be that Obama has assembled a coalition of 9 allies, instead of going it alone with only 34 allies like Bush did. Also, he says he’ll be getting our friends in the region to give us help, like really inexpensive rugs, and maybe one of those souvenir knives with the curved blades that fit so neatly between the first and second thoracic vertebrae of the spine.

Which brings us back to the subject of our hard hitting investigative report — our enemy: a reinvigorated version of Al Qaeda called ISIL, the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant  or ISIS, the Islamic State In Iraq and Syria, or IS, the Islamic State or just a barbaric bunch of Islamic dirtbags...  J.A.B.B.O.I.D.

This is the group the president once called the JV Team of terrorism.  “If a jayvee team puts on Lakers uniforms, that doesn’t make them Kobe Bryant,” the president quipped hilariously, to which ISIL replied, “If you put on the title of commander in chief, that doesn’t make you Abraham Lincoln,” and then promptly reversed George W. Bush’s victory in Iraq and took the country out from under Obama’s nose...  hahaha... ahem...

But during his address, the president offered a new definition of ISIL, when he said the following:

Obama:  “ISIL is not Islamic.”

Always determined to get at the revolting truth, I personally assigned a crack team of seasoned investigators to find out if the president’s statement is true.  Is ISIL Islamic?

Yeah!  The I - it stands for Islamic.  It’s like the first letter in their name.  I for Islamic.  It didn’t actually take a crack team of investigators.  I just looked it up.  Sent Shapiro a bill for the investigators.  But it was right there in Wikipedia.  Islamic State.  The name is the big clue.  Also the fact that they murder innocent people in service to Allah.  Frankly, I don’t know what the hell the president was talking about. 

I’m Andrew Klavan with the Revolting Truth.

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