On Friday's The Cycle on MSNBC, host Touré delighted his audience to a "Friday treat" in what he called the Racial Draft of 2014, something he said would either make them laugh or cry.
In a mock game show style, Touré hosted Joy Reid and Krystal Ball as black and white delegates, choosing black and white celebrities/personalities and their money to bolster the goal of "intergenerational mobility."
Here is the transcript, in all of its awkwardness:
Touré: Welcome back to MSNBC and the 2014 Racial Draft where races come together to sort out the racial standing of all sorts of Americans. everything is up for grabs today, folks. once you are drafted by a certain race, that's your group. Who can forget the annual inauguration racial draft where this happened?
[Plays a clip from "Chappelle's Show"
"We need a black delegation. Tiger Woods. -- No surprises there; he has been discriminated against in his time, he's had death threats and he dates a white woman. Sounds like a black guy to me."]
Wonder if they'd take him now? [laughs] Well, folks, in today's racial draft, there's been a lot of shocking choices. A quick recap -- the white delegation, led by Krystal Ball, chose Derek Jeter and Maria Carey, while the black delegation, led by Joy Reid, shocked the world like Cassius Clay by taking the Walton's and the Koch's. I guess they fit, because they are on welfare—corporate welfare that is. [laughs] Let's touch base with each delegation and get a take on their strategy. Krystal, what's your strategy today?
Krystal: I just want to have some fun and pick some cool people. Hi, mom!
Touré: All right! Joy, what is your strategy?
Joy: Mine is attacking inequality and make up the for the dearth of intergenerational mobility by bringing real wealth into our community.
Krystal: Wait, what?
Touré: We have never seen a strategy like Joy's in this draft—very interesting concept. Can you change race relations by radically subverting the economic structure of America? We're going to have to see what happens. It's time for the white delegation to pick again.
Krystal: The white delegation chooses Halle Berry.
Touré: OK. Now the gorgeous mixed race actress is 100% white. Interesting choice. Does the black delegation need any time to deliberate?
Joy: Nope, nope, nope. The black delegation chooses Bill Gates.
Touré: Wow! Bill Gates is now black! I don't know what her justification for picking him is, but $76 billion just moved into the black community—an economic bombshell. OK, it's K.B.'s turn.
Krystal: The white delegation chooses Drake, yello!
Touré: And you can have him. Good luck with that. OK, it's Joy's turn.
Joy: The black delegation takes Warren Buffett.
Krystal: Wait a minute…I thought this was supposed to be fun.
Touré: Ladies and gentlemen, I am stunned; a major economic restructuring going on here at the racial draft. Can we stop and add this up? Yeah, my statistician is telling me that perhaps $300 billion has moved from the white community to the black community today—a stunning shift of economic might that could change America as we know it. This is a world where inequality has been rising and intergenerational mobility has become almost impossible and economic power creates political power and the richest Americans have an outsized ability to shape politics and policy. And thus today, Joy Reid may have fundamentally reshaped America by painting the top of the Forbes list black. She came in here and said y'all can have drake. I want that cake. "We started from the bottom / now we here. We started from the bottom / now the whole team is here." Stay tuned to see how today's seismic events play out in the coming weeks, months and years and I can't wait for next years draft when Mark Zuckerberg becomes eligible.