Rage of the MaSheen! Actor Blasts Duck Dynasty Star

Drug-Addled Wifebeater Arrives to Deliver Moral Clarity

 

Finally, just when the world cries out for some sort of clarity -- maybe even a divine epiphany -- on the Duck Dynasty debacle, in comes Charlie Sheen to save the day.

Yes, the exemplary family man (sure, he'll sleep with two porn actresses at the same time, but three? For shame! Never!) decided to post a lengthy (and often illiterate) diatribe blasting DD star Phil Robertson, who set off a firestorm when he gave his faith-based opinion on homosexuality.

Sheen starts off with a typo -- in the very first sentence (so you know he worked hard on the statement). 

"Hey Mallard brained Phil Robertso!" he wrote. Oh, so this is going to be one of those high-brow dissertations on the flaws of Robertson's thesis, a careful point-by-point rebuttal.

"Your statements were and are abhorrently and mendaciously unforgivable," he wrote (yes, mendaciously unforgivable. Sheen is master not only of truth, but forgiveness -- and the English language).

The aptly-cast star of FX's "Anger Management," who pleaded guilty to beating his wife and whose career went up in a puff of coke smoke, claimed to speak for all those "who DO NOT have the voice or the outreach that I do." 

"So, just when your desperately sub evolved ass thought the pressure was off, you are now in the crosshairs of a MaSheen style media beat down." (See what he did there? MaSheen? Clever.)

The brilliance of the cokehead just explodes off the page.

"The idea that you have a job outside of dirt-clod stacking is a miracle." Ooooh, burn!

And he keeps it timely for the young readers. "The only ‘Dynasty’ you are attached to might be the re-runs of that dated show." That line would've killed -- in 1983.

He clearly spent hours crafting this perfect example of his steel-trap mind: "The only thing you should ever be in charge of building is a hole in the ground the exact size of your head. Perhaps your beard would fit as well if you plucked out the army of scabies and bull weevils sequestered deep in it’s sarcophagus of dander and weasel pelts."

So, in the end, the God-like Sheen hands down his verdict.

"On the eight day when I was whittling my cosmic banjo, I’m pretty sure YOU were the scattered dross I then used to light a fire and locate the nearest Andy Gump."

Yes, Sheen goes there! Citing a popular comic strip that debuted in 1917! A strip which, according to Wikipedia, was about "the domestic lives of ordinary people and their ordinary activities would appeal to the average American newspaper reader."

As Sheen says: "For shame." So thank God the drug-addled wife-beater has arrived to deliver moral clarity on the mess.

Here's Sheen's entire message: 

hey Mallard brained
Phil Robertso!
you have offended and hurt so many dear friends of mine,
who DO NOT have the voice or the outreach that I do.
well news flash
shower-dodger,
I will speak loudly and clearly for ALL of them.
so,
just when your desperately sub evolved ass thought the pressure was off,
you are now in the crosshairs of a MaSheen style media
beat down.
(I’ll try to keep the big words to a minimum as not to confuse you)
your statements were and are
abhorrently and
mendaciously unforgivable.
the idea that you have a job
outside of dirt-clod stacking
is a miracle.
the only ‘Dynasty’ you are attached to might be the
re-runs of that dated show.
the only thing you should ever be in charge of building is a hole in the ground the exact size of your head.
perhaps your beard would fit as well if you plucked out the
army of scabies and
bull weevils sequestered deep in it’s sarcophagus of dander and weasel pelts.
shame on you.
you’re the only surviving

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